Got an itch that you can't scratch? No matter how hard I try, I cannot fulfill that dark deep need. Its very frustrating and resting in the back of the head.
Getting a slight fever, still not too concerned, have to stay healthy while I finish school.
Got more DJing gigs, so thats good.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Still alive.. barely
Hookay. There are only two people who bother reading this, but that is all that matters.
As mentioned before..the stress had given me the flu, which later turned into hardcore full blown sickness. I spent most of the end of June sick and in the hospital. I returned home July 1st and spent the rest of the time in bed. Now that I am getting better..and soon able to return to work, I think I shall return to SL...maybe.
For obvious reasons I still want to avoid it. I want to stay clear of it. SL was a major reason I got sick...stress makes my condition worse. SL isnt worth putting my life in danger.. and even though its my fault for sticking it out this long with this issue -- now Im just terrified of being on it.
Though every fiber of me wants to sign on..tell my friends Im okay. Im doing well..Im not kicking the bucket just yet. Marcal already knows..but now I m lettig others know.
I will...slowly..ease back on SL. ...maybe
- Yu
As mentioned before..the stress had given me the flu, which later turned into hardcore full blown sickness. I spent most of the end of June sick and in the hospital. I returned home July 1st and spent the rest of the time in bed. Now that I am getting better..and soon able to return to work, I think I shall return to SL...maybe.
For obvious reasons I still want to avoid it. I want to stay clear of it. SL was a major reason I got sick...stress makes my condition worse. SL isnt worth putting my life in danger.. and even though its my fault for sticking it out this long with this issue -- now Im just terrified of being on it.
Though every fiber of me wants to sign on..tell my friends Im okay. Im doing well..Im not kicking the bucket just yet. Marcal already knows..but now I m lettig others know.
I will...slowly..ease back on SL. ...maybe
- Yu
Saturday, June 12, 2010
..I shouldnt have come back
Seriously..I just started LIKING SL again...becoming more active, making a comeback.
I made a decision. I thought it would be best for everyone. I felt uneeded, unwanted..so I left my makeshift family without a scene, without a fuss.
Was that stupid.
The onslaught of "fuck you" messages I received offline wernt bad. I could handle those. IT was what came later. The guilt tripping. The pure and utter guilt tripping that made me hate myself to the very core.
So now what? I dont want to be on SL...again...and on top of that I gained a fever of 101 today...so I might have to take it easy.
I made a decision. I thought it would be best for everyone. I felt uneeded, unwanted..so I left my makeshift family without a scene, without a fuss.
Was that stupid.
The onslaught of "fuck you" messages I received offline wernt bad. I could handle those. IT was what came later. The guilt tripping. The pure and utter guilt tripping that made me hate myself to the very core.
So now what? I dont want to be on SL...again...and on top of that I gained a fever of 101 today...so I might have to take it easy.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Break Your Heart
Now I may not be the worst or the best
But you gotta respect my honesty
And I may break your heart
But I don't really think there's anybody as bomb as me
So you can take this chance, in the end
Everybody's gonna be wondering how you deal
You might say this is Ludacris
But Taio Cruz tell her how you feel
Now listen to me baby
Before I love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don't wanna deceive you
If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start
I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart
Whoa, whoa
There's no point trying to hide it
No point trying to evade it
I know I got a problem
Problem with misbehaving
If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I might tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start
I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart
That's all I'm gonna do woman
Listen now, I'm only gonna break your heart
And shatter and splatter it all into little bitty pieces
Whether or not you get it all together
Then its finder's keepers and losers weepers
See I'm not trying to lead you on
No I'm only trying to keep it real
You might say this is Ludacris
But Taio Cruz tell her how you feel
and I know karma's gonna get me back for being so cold
Like a big bad wolf I'm born to be bad and bad to the bone
If you fall for me I'm only gonna tear you apart
Told ya from the start
I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Drifting..
The Birthday was uneventful. Truth was, besides two people everyone else forgot. Not that I seem to mind, I was too tired from unpacking and this evaluation program that I wasn't in the mood to do anything.
SL feels so alien to me now. I dont know if I have spent that much time away, but as of now I do not enjoy it. Maybe I need to take a longer break..
SL feels so alien to me now. I dont know if I have spent that much time away, but as of now I do not enjoy it. Maybe I need to take a longer break..
Friday, May 7, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Wedding Bells
So..
I got proposed to.
It was cute. He asked me to marry him.
------- 8:46 pm
you should marry me lol
god my stomach hurts lol
xLucifersRavenx 8:47 pm
lol
marry you?
-------8:47 pm
yes lol
be my lover lol
i so would lol
------- 8:48 pm
my head spinning
lol
xLucifersRavenx 8:48 pm
drunk?
---------8:49 pm
as an asshole hahahaaaa
Yeaaahh Cute til I realize hes drunk off his balls. *chuckles* I'm gonna wait to see if he even remembers tomorrow. Blackmail.
I got proposed to.
It was cute. He asked me to marry him.
------- 8:46 pm
you should marry me lol
god my stomach hurts lol
xLucifersRavenx 8:47 pm
lol
marry you?
-------8:47 pm
yes lol
be my lover lol
i so would lol
------- 8:48 pm
my head spinning
lol
xLucifersRavenx 8:48 pm
drunk?
---------8:49 pm
as an asshole hahahaaaa
Yeaaahh Cute til I realize hes drunk off his balls. *chuckles* I'm gonna wait to see if he even remembers tomorrow. Blackmail.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Isolation
I hate this time of year. So many exams, my head is about to explode. I won't be on SL for at
least a week. meanwhile..I am feeling myself becoming more and more isolated in both my SL and RL. Maybe I'm just tired and emo, or maybe I really am feeling as if my friends are all leaving me behind, graduating.,.while I am still stuck here.
I lost my main shifts at Wave..cause David didnt want to DJ that late anymore. When I come back, I need to pick up slack and find new ways to earn linden.
bleh..
least a week. meanwhile..I am feeling myself becoming more and more isolated in both my SL and RL. Maybe I'm just tired and emo, or maybe I really am feeling as if my friends are all leaving me behind, graduating.,.while I am still stuck here.
I lost my main shifts at Wave..cause David didnt want to DJ that late anymore. When I come back, I need to pick up slack and find new ways to earn linden.
bleh..
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Emotional Night
Yaaa----- Japanese people really can't help themselves.
Our president of our organization is leaving this Friday to England. We had a dinner...then coffee then said our goodbyes. Even the men cried. Including me (._.)/ ....making close bonds is nice, but is very hard to say goodbye.
Our president of our organization is leaving this Friday to England. We had a dinner...then coffee then said our goodbyes. Even the men cried. Including me (._.)/ ....making close bonds is nice, but is very hard to say goodbye.
Monday, April 26, 2010
shfkjswjkfdsjf
Goddddd sorry I haven't posted in awhile. School is reaming me and ontop of that SL hasn't been the most fun. Why?
Cause I can't go a day without being guilt tripped by nameless. Its circles..over and over.
---------------------------------
Nameless: even the stupidest dog in the pack will eventually come to realizze that no matter how often, long, fast he tries he is not going to catch what he is after.
i give up... i am not going to try any more... one can take being blown-off only so many times and then he has to just cut and run...
im sorry... i should have realized this a very long time ago...
sorry......
--------------------
And then later
--------------------------
Nameless: (Saved Sun Apr 25 20:47:30 2010) If you think this makes me happy, then you are so very wrong. Every time i see you....
oh fuck it..... it doesnt matter
---------------------------------
Seriously. WHAT do you want me to do? This crap is driving me mad. It makes me want to not sign on SL cause Im confronted with this. What do they want from me?
Want me to quit SL?
Want me to dump Marcal?
FUCKING WHAT!?
Cause I can't go a day without being guilt tripped by nameless. Its circles..over and over.
---------------------------------
Nameless: even the stupidest dog in the pack will eventually come to realizze that no matter how often, long, fast he tries he is not going to catch what he is after.
i give up... i am not going to try any more... one can take being blown-off only so many times and then he has to just cut and run...
im sorry... i should have realized this a very long time ago...
sorry......
--------------------
And then later
--------------------------
Nameless: (Saved Sun Apr 25 20:47:30 2010) If you think this makes me happy, then you are so very wrong. Every time i see you....
oh fuck it..... it doesnt matter
---------------------------------
Seriously. WHAT do you want me to do? This crap is driving me mad. It makes me want to not sign on SL cause Im confronted with this. What do they want from me?
Want me to quit SL?
Want me to dump Marcal?
FUCKING WHAT!?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Old Life vs New
The following is an old blog post from me in 2004
----------------------------------
"I had the most weird dream. I was being tied down, arms and legs drawn tight with leather bindings. In fact, it was right down kinky. The man was beautiful, the kind you only see in dreams. Tender and at the same time I could feel his nails raking down my bare chest, I could hear his very faint breathing in my ear. It was all so wonderful. His skin was soft, and he was so warm. I wanted to remain there.
Then I could feel a leather strap around my neck, slowly curling around. He was putting a collar on me, clasping it tightly. He leaned down to whisper something to me.
Then I woke up.
Morte was on my chest. My bare chest. His claws were the nails I felt in my dream. His tail that couled around my neck was the bloody collar.
He's officially never running my apartment at night, fucking pervert.
Well, remember how I said I was a bit .. well drinking alot? I went into work anyway like the idiot I am. In result I am job searching this weeked. Thats right folks, I was kicked to the curb. Tonight is the last night I work there befor eI get my paycheck. No matter, the owner doesn't hate me, but rules are rules.
I'll have a job soon, there are plenty of clubs in need of bouncers."
--------------------------------------
The lizard part was funny, I miss my dragon.
The rest..yeah. I couldn't keep a job with my drinking.
----------------------------------
"I had the most weird dream. I was being tied down, arms and legs drawn tight with leather bindings. In fact, it was right down kinky. The man was beautiful, the kind you only see in dreams. Tender and at the same time I could feel his nails raking down my bare chest, I could hear his very faint breathing in my ear. It was all so wonderful. His skin was soft, and he was so warm. I wanted to remain there.
Then I could feel a leather strap around my neck, slowly curling around. He was putting a collar on me, clasping it tightly. He leaned down to whisper something to me.
Then I woke up.
Morte was on my chest. My bare chest. His claws were the nails I felt in my dream. His tail that couled around my neck was the bloody collar.
He's officially never running my apartment at night, fucking pervert.
Well, remember how I said I was a bit .. well drinking alot? I went into work anyway like the idiot I am. In result I am job searching this weeked. Thats right folks, I was kicked to the curb. Tonight is the last night I work there befor eI get my paycheck. No matter, the owner doesn't hate me, but rules are rules.
I'll have a job soon, there are plenty of clubs in need of bouncers."
--------------------------------------
The lizard part was funny, I miss my dragon.
The rest..yeah. I couldn't keep a job with my drinking.
Yoroshiku
No one will read this or follow me..but might as well write as I go. See if anything comes up. I play Second Life, most things I put in here will be related to that.
Right now I realized how much of an asshole I used to be compared to now..I will analyze my blod from years ago...as time goes on to show an example of such.
This is taken from my original journal...its an challenge someone special once told me to do, to describe yourself as third person.
------------------
Always alone, and quiet when among people. He stood, still as stone and eyes glancing at each person.. analyzing before moving to the next. Form tense, always perched against something.. a wall or table. Arms crossed over chest defiantly, and shoulders almost defeatedly slumped. He had dark eyes, one's that had shadows under them, giving of a dark.. 'stay away' stare. Asian features. It usually worked.. people did not approach his lithe form. Only standing of about 5'10.. and ebony hair always a little messy, either in eyes or off to the side; he was hardly threatening looking. Not even strong, but the way he presented himself said different. Scars covered him.. if looked upon closer. Hands, some areas of the arm, all having marks of past fights or trials, and he only brushed them off. They were normal. Most had come to terms that those scars were the ones that hurt the most.
If one was to speak out to him, he would try this best to say little. Either not comfortable, or unfriendly.. dislike the idea of being foolish. Fear maybe.. but it was not outwardly spoken or shown. Just a cold person, showing no care for anything around him, but yet still passionate in anger with harsh, blunt words.. or the quick movements of his form. No one could come to reasonable understanding, and learn to hate him quickly, dislike him right away for his crude words, or harsh glares. A biting tongue.. a bark. They had not realized he had no bite. An inner chamber inside which left him vulnerable.. where his heart was too big to fit in the small chest where it resided, have been waiting to be slashed.. but then drawn back out again. Disguised by other reasoning of his deeds. Misunderstood.. or perhaps clumsy. Incapable of showing kindness through words.. but by subtle actions, and later denying he cared.
Behind a somewhat intellect mind, lie naiveness.. stupidity. Unable to fully express the inner feelings, and ending up saying something completely wrong. An internal battle, only to fail and result another add on to shattering confidence, confided behind a outward and bluff ego. Presented with a stingy stare and a haughty head held high, that is all he will allow himself to account for to strangers, that look from afar.
Right now I realized how much of an asshole I used to be compared to now..I will analyze my blod from years ago...as time goes on to show an example of such.
This is taken from my original journal...its an challenge someone special once told me to do, to describe yourself as third person.
------------------
Always alone, and quiet when among people. He stood, still as stone and eyes glancing at each person.. analyzing before moving to the next. Form tense, always perched against something.. a wall or table. Arms crossed over chest defiantly, and shoulders almost defeatedly slumped. He had dark eyes, one's that had shadows under them, giving of a dark.. 'stay away' stare. Asian features. It usually worked.. people did not approach his lithe form. Only standing of about 5'10.. and ebony hair always a little messy, either in eyes or off to the side; he was hardly threatening looking. Not even strong, but the way he presented himself said different. Scars covered him.. if looked upon closer. Hands, some areas of the arm, all having marks of past fights or trials, and he only brushed them off. They were normal. Most had come to terms that those scars were the ones that hurt the most.
If one was to speak out to him, he would try this best to say little. Either not comfortable, or unfriendly.. dislike the idea of being foolish. Fear maybe.. but it was not outwardly spoken or shown. Just a cold person, showing no care for anything around him, but yet still passionate in anger with harsh, blunt words.. or the quick movements of his form. No one could come to reasonable understanding, and learn to hate him quickly, dislike him right away for his crude words, or harsh glares. A biting tongue.. a bark. They had not realized he had no bite. An inner chamber inside which left him vulnerable.. where his heart was too big to fit in the small chest where it resided, have been waiting to be slashed.. but then drawn back out again. Disguised by other reasoning of his deeds. Misunderstood.. or perhaps clumsy. Incapable of showing kindness through words.. but by subtle actions, and later denying he cared.
Behind a somewhat intellect mind, lie naiveness.. stupidity. Unable to fully express the inner feelings, and ending up saying something completely wrong. An internal battle, only to fail and result another add on to shattering confidence, confided behind a outward and bluff ego. Presented with a stingy stare and a haughty head held high, that is all he will allow himself to account for to strangers, that look from afar.
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